By Funk Egbemode
I was all set to write something hard and political until Maupe Ogun reviewed my back page in New Telegraph on Channels and reminded me on live television to be nice at Christmas. And I said to myself, ‘what a wonderful world’. Two hours later I was at a meeting in Ikeja and at the pre-brunch meeting, someone told us a story of an undergraduate in one of the south east universities who came all the way to Lagos every month to see her boyfriend, a member of NURTW for three years! Yeah, an ‘agbero’. All the guys in the room gasped. An undergraduate and an agbero? But what do men know? Women love what and who they love. If a man is loaded upstairs, downstairs and his band account ‘na pakam’ (according to PSquare), what is there not to love? But that undergraduate and ‘agbero’ story is a matter for another day. For today, I’m just creating a women’s wish list, a guide into what us girls really want.
1. The surprise element
Never ever think that the surprise gift or gesture is what you do once and we are supposed to be grateful for the rest of her life. Some men simply stopped doing the surprise thing right after the wedding date is fixed, as if a woman stops being a woman just because she becomes a wife. No. Trust me, she takes judicial notice of everything. So, why not pick-up her favorite feel-good treat; chocolate, her favourite novel, that old movie you used to watch over and again 10 years ago. For instance an old Mills and Boon by Carole Mortimer or Penny Jordan for me will earn somebody a warm full-frontal hug. Yes o.
2. Extra effort, please Every woman wants her man to make an effort, do something extra, something unusual. This is the season when domestic staff travel. So, she’s gonna need an extra pair of hands around the house. Help her rinse the vegetables, dice the plantain or take out the trash. Just keeping her company while she cooks instead of watching CNN will mean so much more than you can figure.
3. Old fashioned dudes are hot. Forget all that I’m-a-big-modern-babe stuff, every woman wants to be taken care of the old fashioned way from time to time. We freaking love it. Hold the door for her to walk into the house. Walk her to the front door after an evening out if you are still dating. Help her carry the baby or the grocery after shopping. Only bush men put one hand in one trouser pocket and swing the car keys with the other while their wives sweat it out with the market basket and their crying toddler. Chivalry does not make you a woman-wrapper. It just means that you are a hot dude even outdoors.
4. Don’t be an overgrown baby. We like to cuddle our men, yes. We like to put their heads on our chests and stroke their backs but once a woman notices that her man is sliding into the baby mode, she backs off. Most guys are kids at heart, which is why they do not joke with breasts (hmmm) and we love them for it but once a man starts asking that his food be cut into tiny bits for him, he loses his sex appeal. Gbam!
5. Listen and take interest. The difference between a woman who has a man in her life and the one who alone and lonely is the opportunity to pour out her hear after a hectic day. All she wants is for her man to listen to her frustrations and triumphs. Just listen and show interest. It will make her feel better all we want our man to do is listen. So, just mute the TV and listen and tell her everything will be fine.
6. Don’t treat her like spare tire. Dude, something is terribly wrong with you if your woman is feeling like a spare tire, someone you come to when all else fails. If the only time you can share a beer with her is when your friends can’t make it to a rendezvous, hmmm, I fear for you o. It is you she wants. Don’t teach her to need other people, other things. Sure, you need to hang out with the boys but she must still feel like she’s priority. God will grant you the Wisdom of Solomon to fix that balance.
7. Compliment every new thing. A woman spends all of 100k on a new hair-do or 10 hours to do ‘one-million-braids’ and her man doesn’t say a word? Boy, she expects you to do a double-take when she walks into the room. In the interest of private and public peace, please compliment every new hairstyle, clothes, bra, bikini…everything.
8. Use the ‘family jewel’ judiciously. Wham-bam-thank-you-ma’am is bad business. Unless it is an agreed quickie, slow and steady is hot and the only way to retain your awards in bed.
No woman wants a man who whisks out the ‘family jewel’, dips it in the family ink and rips it out without thoroughly whipping her. Dude, you must always give a good account of yourself in the bedroom. Or wherever the venue is.
9. Only sex toys don’t say no If you run your hands down her back and she says not-tonight-honey, don’t take it personal. Don’t throw a tantrum or threaten to go fishing in another river. Just pull her close. Tell her it’s okay, you’d just like to feel her warm skin. Ask her if she’d like a back rub or a full massage. Don’t launch into a sermon on the mount about how she is not supposed to say no. She can and she will say no. Only sex toys don’t say no. She may just be having a down day, worried about a target at work or having pre-menstrual pain, all of which are major mood killers. Who knows, you may change her mood and still have your way.
10. Let her have her ‘me time’. Sometimes, a woman just wants to be alone in her own company. It does not mean she is angry with you or your mum. She just needs some ‘me’ time. Let her be. Don’t pick a quarrel. She will be back after the break in transmission. So, chill out bro.
11. Sorry is a magical word. Saying sorry when you are wrong does not castrate you. In fact, apologizing to your woman makes you a bigger man. Only little men find it difficult to say sorry.
Stop being so stubborn and say that magic word ‘sorry’. It is a miracle worker in relationships.
12. Shower, shave and brush. Every woman loves a neat guy. So, shave your armpit, use deodorant and body spray already. And, you won’t get so many ‘No’ responses if you shower before you get into bed.
13. Do not forget our anniversary or birthday. Of the 365 days in a year, all she wants you to remember are two days; her birthday and your anniversary. How hard can that be? Women simply can’t figure out why men forget those two days. Just set a reminder on your phone, write it in your planner or ask your secretary to put it on your to-do list if you have to (just don’t tell us you did), but whatever you do, do NOT forget.
14. We’re suckers for romance. A woman is never too old for a candle-lit dinner or a bunch of flowers. Your woman is a sucker for romance. Try this: send her the link to listen to the lyrics of ‘I can love you like that’ or ‘When you tell me that you love me’ and see how many day days you’d be singing ‘Oh what a night’ in the shower.
15. A dude who can cook is a sexy dude. Trust me, every woman loves a man who can cook and I do not mean two-minute noodles. A guy who knows his way around the kitchen always get an extra treat in the bedroom.
Merry Xmas and have a fun-filled romantic holiday.